santa baby!

this woman deserves nothing for being so whiney and needy.

here's her list if you didnt catch it...

a sable under the tree (I think she means a fur of some sort... PETA?! where are you when we need you?)
a '54 convertible, light blue.
yacht (then she follows that up with "not a lot." this little lady is already getting on my nerves)
deed to platinum mine (really?)
duplex
checks
ring (and she lets santa know that she doesn't want a ring as in a phone call. santa is not an idiot. he's pretty experienced.)
tree decorations from tiffany's

AND THEN she asks him to hurry!
the nerve of that jerk!

here's the kicker...

"think of all the fun i've missed,
think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed,
next year I could be just as good."

santa doesn't take bribes!
and did it really kill her to be not so promiscuous for five minutes!??

lady, using Santa is not very nice.
and sends you straight to the top of the naughty list!

gah!

i saw mommy kissing santa... barf!

okay here's the scoop:

kids sees mommy locking lips with a bearded fat man.
the youngster assumes this man is santa claus.

while he/ she admitted to being awake when their mom thought they were sound asleep, i'm not convinced this is the first time junior has secretly snuck out of bed. 
that right there makes me wonder what else they may have seen if they're thinking this whole making out with santa thing is "okay."

next, the little one sees mommy "tickle" santa.
G.R.O.S.S!
i think i may have vomited a little bit.
how did that not traumatize this child!? 
i mean... this can only mean one of two things: 
either mommy is cheating on daddy 
or
santa is a sham!
is this kid a robot or something??

they go on to say that daddy would find the whole situation to be humorous!
honestly, if that's not daddy behind the beard...
i have a feeling the next song this tot will be singing is "i saw daddy attacking santa claus."

this song bothers me every time i hear it. it's disgusting.

did they stop to think that if this rumor they are spreading were in fact true... it would mean that their mom is diddling santa for their own personal gain (gifts) thus making them mom's pimp!?

you should be ashamed of yourself, kid 

okay that's done.

therapy anyone??

frosty: exposed!

as promised, here's my beef with frosty the snowman.
i will be addressing frosty directly at times in hopes that he may get wind of my concerns.

i have watched the cartoon and listened to this song for many years and never had a problem with it.
it wasn't until last christmas that i noticed the utter annoyance that is the opening line... and that was just the beginning!

"HAPPEE BUHRT-DAY!!"

first of all frosty,
you're coming off pretty aggressive right out of the gate!
it's creepy and it disturbs me that it took me this long to hear it.
i understand, when winter rolls around, you come back to life and it's considered your "birthday" but I can assure you... come one april morning, i will not be waking up extra early just to wish myself an obscenely loud bday greeting. it's not normal.

next...
you sir, are a smoker! why else would you have a corncob pipe?
that is called paraphernalia if i've ever seen it!
also... aren't you made of snow?
doesn't fire melt snow?
are you attempting to commit suicide?
what kind of message is this sending the children?
...can't be good either way!

moving right along...

kids are laughing and playing with a man of snow and no one bothered to consult myfamilywatchdog.org?? that sounds like the recipe for a tragic story best suited for nancy grace's bombshell investigation team.
where are the parents??
these tiny people are running around with a transient stranger who is more commonly referred to in my book as a gypsy or worse... a carny.
gross.

alright snowman, so, you're traipsing around in the cold weather and it's all well and good, but the "hot" sun (as if the sun knows any other way to be) starts to rear its ugly head and you begin to melt.
what kind of activities do you have planned?
whats that, you say?
you want to RUN around while you're melting away??
oh yeah! what a terrific idea! just make sure you bring along a "wet floor" sign wherever you go. that could leave one heck of a lawsuit in your hands.
furthermore, are you even concerned with the safety of the kids? nobody likes to see kids slip and fall...
unless they're wearing heelys. then it's fair game. but i prefer to throw sticks in their paths. it's more effective than puddles of water.

amid all of the laughing, playing, running and melting, frosty decides to start carrying around a broomstick.
it may just be me but i think the only cleaning apparatus this guy needs is a mop. a broom is dangerous... especially if there's potentially a slip and fall case nearby. ouch.
if that's not enough to worry about, doesn't anyone even question the need for a broomstick at all?
he could be beating people with it and stealing wallets.
we all know he's not above breaking the law. that becomes quite evident when he only briefly pauses when a cop yells for him to stop running around like a mad man. after being reprimanded, frosty continues to wreak havoc on the town.
how is this a healthy environment for playful children?

so frosty, in closing i'd like to mention your plans of coming back next Christmas...
i just want you to know; i'm setting up a refuge in florida for families who also feel a little uneasy about your return. i hope you get the hint someday soon.

with love,
me

its the most wonderful time of the year...i think?

it’s that time of year again!

from late november through the end of the year, my sister becomes a Christmas music junkie. she keeps the music on in her car and almost every room in the house (yes, even the bathroom when she’s getting dressed in the mornings.) she also demands that these all too merry melodies are to be played throughout the entire day in the workplace. and it would happen to be just my luck… she’s my boss.

if she is out of the office and calls in, i have to make sure that those carols of peace and joy are fully audible on her end of the line. its cute. i think? i don’t dislike Christmas music. it just gets a little old after an hour or 12.

i think the reason it seems so humorous to me is this; my little holly jolly hitler is the same teenaged girl who used to roll out in her altima with blacked out windows and “phat rims” – you know… the one with the subs in the back that took up the entire trunk space and made the car rattle in tune to her slowed down tupac or outkast mixed tapes.

she has changed quite a bit since then. having a husband and two kids have made her… put the tapes away in the closet for the next split second available for isolated enjoyment.

so, why am i going on and on about this Christmas music stuff and getting sidetracked by my sister’s obsession with it? well, it just so happens that while i have been forced to listen to "warm 94.9’s" not so vast array of jingle jams, i have also been subconsciously dissecting and studying each and every song i hear. sometimes i will sing along and realize that the words coming out of my mouth either make no sense or are completely creepy! i mean sure, theres the old "grandma got run over by a reindeer" diddy, but it goes deeper than that… its like that song “rock a bye baby.” the baby falls out of a freaking tree, for heaven’s sake and we still lovingly sing this crap to our offspring! WHAT?!

this mild outrage has inspired me. so, every day (or almost… maybe) until Christmas, i will be sharing a few of the songs that really stuck out in my head. of course, i'm not going anywhere near the Christmas songs that celebrate the birth of Jesus. those aren't ridiculous. they’re truth and should be respected. but, that doesn’t mean that I cant say that I want to swallow a knife every time I hear christina aguilera butcher silent night with her over the top vocal “show-offiness.” it is just awful.

with that being said, i will now be heading off to bed. its freaking cold out and my blankies are warm. tomorrow, my project begins with none other than… “frosty the snowman.”

nighty night bloggy poo.

much better. now you can really see ever

much better. now you can really see everything this home has to offer!

my dearest secret blog,
i love you.
for realz.
sweet dreams.

your friend,
lindsey.

home sweet cardboard box

not sure if its visible from my crappy phone camera... but that sign definitely says "house for sale" and the arrow is pointing to a cardboard box. i'm thinking about investing.