write me a career

the boyfriend said I should think about a career as a writer. he thinks I could write for creative loafing one day in my not so distant future.
and as silly as it may seem...
its an interesting thought.
an opportunity such as this might fulfill my top secret desire to land a job with the promise of my very own cubicle.
the sad part is... I'm not kidding... at all! and it's extremely likely this strange obsession stems from my disgusting addiction to the lolcat website, monday through friday.
i dream of one day... disguising my very own little 8ft x 8ft home away from home as a secret fortress or a private mini-jungle.
yay for setting high standards!

my dream bubble is soon destroyed violently when I realize that I am NOT a writer!
I, don't, know, how, to, properly, use, a, comma,, and don't ever ask me where to place a semi-colon! that sort of language should be reserved for the bedroom only!

i use this "..." way too often and i dont even know what that's called.
i write this blog as if I were speaking. every sentence is either a fragment or a run-on and I think it's obvious I have issues with capital letters... if there are any in my entries, it's because my iPod is a communist... a capitalizing communist?? okay maybe not.
either way, I would never claim to be a legit writer. people would laugh in my face.:;;,,." most importantly... I am only truly skilled in the art of criticism. i go completely blank when faced with a writing assignment for school... but I'll passionately proclaim my disapproval of any noun imaginable! (that's right... any person, place, thing, or idea I dislike... I'll verbally destroy... no I don't have self esteem issues... what ever do you mean?)

if creative loafing were hiring based solely on cynicism and bitterness alone... I'd be a shoe-in!

what else would I write about??
I'd much rather rant on about how much I hate the jersey shore douchebags than gush over the latest trends in fashion and all that nonsense.

just a thought.
had to share.

next time I might recount my newest accomplishment I like to call "watching/ photographing a baby human person come out of my best friend's no-nos"

until then...
peace out

my final two songs of Christmas don't

winter wonderland

"in the meadow we can build a snowman,
then pretend that he is parson brown
he'll say: are you married?
we'll say: no man,
but you can do the job
when you're in town."

all my life i've wondered who is this parson brown dude and why does he care if these people are married?? and what job could he do for them while he's in town? he can't do much. he's a snowman for cryin out loud.

well, apparently parson brown is an 18th century priest.
it makes more sense now... but the problem is... it still sort of sounds like they want him to do the "job" meaning be the spouse.
and when you say it like that it sounds dirty and gross.

"later on, we'll conspire,
as we dream by the fire..."

conspiring near fire? never a good idea! who are you Jesse Ventura and his bogus team of geniuses?

"in the meadow we can build a snowman,
and pretend that he's a circus clown
we'll have lots of fun with mister snowman,
until the other kids knock him down."

clowns are scary! why would you pretend the snowman is a clown?
and are you really okay with those bastard kids knocking your snowman down??
you're a better man than i.
i'd be pissed!
those things are a bitch to craft!

and last but certainly not least:

my hands
by jewel

who decided that my hands would be a Christmas song?

i actually read the lyrics because the only freaking words i understand in the song are "my hands are small I know they're not yours they are my own."
don't get me wrong... the lyrics are good.
the song has a great purpose but jewel can't articulate the words well enough to even know what that purpose is.
also after reading the lyrics i still don't see why it's limited to the genre of Christmas alone. is it because she is singing about God's blessings and faith? because God does His thing year round and i know this because i have faith year round.

and that's it!
took a bit longer than I had hoped...
but I finished.
so... until next Christmas...

santa claus is coming to town/ its the most wonderful time of the year mash-up

santa claus is coming to town

my issues with this song are quite obvious.
they tell me not to pout or cry
but then i'm told that santa sees me sleeping and when I'm awake?!
and they even preface all this with... "you better watch out!"
i'm already preparing myself to be terrified.

next the song urges us to:
hang stockings
say prayers
jump in bed
cover head
because the jolly one should be en route soon.

say your prayers little kids! santas coming tonight!
hide ya wife hide ya kids!

and why would I need to cover my head when I jump in bed?! no thank you, Santa!! you're starting to overstep your boundaries.

next up!

it's the most wonderful time of the year

"there'll be parties for hosting
marshmallows for toasting
and caroling out in the snow.
there'll be scary ghost stories
and tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago."

i'm pretty sure they just threw that part in there to see if I was listening.
who tells scary ghost stories on Christmas?

same old/auld lang syne... whatever.

we're gonna fashion this one after my last rant.
i quote... then i complain.
here we go.
i've been waiting for this one for a while...


WARNING:
this glorious Christmas song contains:
alcoholism.
drinking and driving.
unfaithfulness


same old (or it may be auld) lang sine
by dan fogelberg

"met my old lover in the
grocery store.
the snow was falling Christmas eve.
i stole behind her in the
frozen foods
and i touched her on the sleeve.
she didn't recognize the
face at first
but then her eyes flew
open wide
she went to hug me and she
spilled her purse
and we laughed until we cried."

how is that funny?

"we took her groceries to the
checkout stand.
the food was totalled up and
bagged."

where are your groceries?
why is she the only one buying anything?
why did you go to the grocery store for nothing?
were you stalking her?
i have so many unanswered questions!

"we stood there lost in our
embarrassment
as the conversation dragged."

that sounds like the exact opposite of a good time.

"we went to have ourselves
a drink or two"

oh yeah. sure! alcohol will make your boring conversations more interesting!
and what about the groceries?!

"but couldn't find an open bar
we bought a six-pack at
the liquor store
and we drank it in her car."

1st! nowadays that is so illegal and even if it's allowed wherever you lived... it's morally wrong.
2nd! the effing frozen foods! you know... what she was picking out when you had to just throw yourself into her already complicated life! yeah... those frozen foods... there probably all mushy and gross now! I don't care how cold it is... we all know you two had the heater on in the vehicle.

"we drank a toast to
innocence."

oxymoron

"we drank a toast to now
and tried to reach beyond
the emptiness
but neither one knew how."

buy more beer?

"she said she'd married her
an architect
who kept her warm and safe
and dry."

TMI

"she would have liked to say she
loved the man
but she didn't like to lie."

dan... your ex girlfriend is problematic...

"i said the years had been a
friend to her
and that her eyes were still
as blue
but in those eyes i wasn't
sure if i saw
doubt or gratitude."

and you're still hitting on her??

"she said she saw me in the
record stores
and that i must be doing well."

okay so riddle me this... how is it that this woman failed to recognize your face when you attacked her in the store?

"i said the audience was
heavenly
but the traveling was hell."

oh wah wah wah.

in the song at this point they keep drinking to random pseudo symbolic bull crap until...

"the beer was empty and our
tongues were tired
and running out of things to say
she gave a kiss to me as i got out
and i watched her drive away."

cool! liquor her up and send her on her way! that sounds perfectly safe.
merry Christmas drunky!

"just for a moment i was
back at school
and felt that old familiar pain
and as i turned to make
my way back home
the snow turned into rain..."

that was truly a waste of time.
nothing changed.
both parties went back to the lives they were just complaining about... except now they both know information that will potentially make them despise their lives even more.




mmkay. that is all.
i'm over this stupid song.

if you're gloomy... get dressed up all fancy and drive with the music up and windows down. all your sads fly away.

Christmas shoes

hearing the very first note alone of this song makes me want to claw out my eyes. i hate it song with a passion. here's why:

i'll throw in the specific quotes to explain why this song makes me wish I were situationally deaf.

Christmas shoes.
by newsong


"standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously. pacing 'round like little boys do"

did you ever think that maybe he just had to pee? because i know boys pace around for that reason more often than any other. thats it. song's over!
nope.

"his clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe."

clothes don't make the man... or in this case... boy. it's a cover-up. don't judge this boy by his clothes. kids destroy clothes all the time.

"when it came his time to pay
i couldn't believe what i heard him say
sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
you see she's been sick for quite a while
i know these shoes would make her smile
and i want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight"

little boy,
1. don't ask people to hurry when you're the only one holding up line telling your life story. you should be counting out your money. be patient.

2. if your mom has been sick so long why haven't you saved up before now?

3. Jesus doesn't care about what kind of shoes your mom is wearing.

4. He does care if you're a liar.

"he counted pennies for what seemed like years"


again, kid... you asked HIM to hurry??
ever heard of coinstar?

"the cashier said, "son, there's not enough here"
he searched his pockets frantically
then he turned and he looked at me"

man in line,
turn around! act like u don't see him!! or pretend you forgot to grab a musical Christmas card for your aunt lucielle and step out of line. fake a call or text for goodness sake!
you must look wealthy if this kid automatically looks to you for a handout!

"he said mama made Christmas good at our house
though most years she just did without"

she can do without again!!

"tell me sir, what am i going to do,
somehow i've got to buy her these Christmas shoes"

no you don't! this is like a gateway action that leads straight to a lifetime of panhandling!

"so i laid the money down, i just had to help him out"

tooting your own horn too much, sir??

"i'll never forget the look on his face when he said
mama's gonna look so great"

shoes won't bring your mom back, kid.
no amount of therapy will bring the 4 minutes and 50 seconds of my life back everytime I hear this stupid and depressing song.

"i knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
as he thanked me and ran out"

at least he thanked you but I still think you should have followed the kid or at least interrogated him!

"I knew that God had sent that little boy
to remind me just what Christmas is all about"

here's the part that irritates me the most...
that little boy did not = Jesus.
yes, maybe this dude thought he was showing compassion by buying the kid shoes... which is nice of him whether the boy is truthful or not... but all of that generosity and love goes out the window when you write a song (and later a movie gets made) detailing the whole event.
what a nice guy. such a nice wealthy guy.
a nice wealthy guy who needs to read matthew 6:3-7. (this is your cue. go look it up)

jessica simpson's version of "baby, its cold outside" should be restricted to late night radio only. i'm tired of hearing her have an orgasm every time she opens her mouth.