my final two songs of Christmas don't

winter wonderland

"in the meadow we can build a snowman,
then pretend that he is parson brown
he'll say: are you married?
we'll say: no man,
but you can do the job
when you're in town."

all my life i've wondered who is this parson brown dude and why does he care if these people are married?? and what job could he do for them while he's in town? he can't do much. he's a snowman for cryin out loud.

well, apparently parson brown is an 18th century priest.
it makes more sense now... but the problem is... it still sort of sounds like they want him to do the "job" meaning be the spouse.
and when you say it like that it sounds dirty and gross.

"later on, we'll conspire,
as we dream by the fire..."

conspiring near fire? never a good idea! who are you Jesse Ventura and his bogus team of geniuses?

"in the meadow we can build a snowman,
and pretend that he's a circus clown
we'll have lots of fun with mister snowman,
until the other kids knock him down."

clowns are scary! why would you pretend the snowman is a clown?
and are you really okay with those bastard kids knocking your snowman down??
you're a better man than i.
i'd be pissed!
those things are a bitch to craft!

and last but certainly not least:

my hands
by jewel

who decided that my hands would be a Christmas song?

i actually read the lyrics because the only freaking words i understand in the song are "my hands are small I know they're not yours they are my own."
don't get me wrong... the lyrics are good.
the song has a great purpose but jewel can't articulate the words well enough to even know what that purpose is.
also after reading the lyrics i still don't see why it's limited to the genre of Christmas alone. is it because she is singing about God's blessings and faith? because God does His thing year round and i know this because i have faith year round.

and that's it!
took a bit longer than I had hoped...
but I finished.
so... until next Christmas...

santa claus is coming to town/ its the most wonderful time of the year mash-up

santa claus is coming to town

my issues with this song are quite obvious.
they tell me not to pout or cry
but then i'm told that santa sees me sleeping and when I'm awake?!
and they even preface all this with... "you better watch out!"
i'm already preparing myself to be terrified.

next the song urges us to:
hang stockings
say prayers
jump in bed
cover head
because the jolly one should be en route soon.

say your prayers little kids! santas coming tonight!
hide ya wife hide ya kids!

and why would I need to cover my head when I jump in bed?! no thank you, Santa!! you're starting to overstep your boundaries.

next up!

it's the most wonderful time of the year

"there'll be parties for hosting
marshmallows for toasting
and caroling out in the snow.
there'll be scary ghost stories
and tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago."

i'm pretty sure they just threw that part in there to see if I was listening.
who tells scary ghost stories on Christmas?

same old/auld lang syne... whatever.

we're gonna fashion this one after my last rant.
i quote... then i complain.
here we go.
i've been waiting for this one for a while...


WARNING:
this glorious Christmas song contains:
alcoholism.
drinking and driving.
unfaithfulness


same old (or it may be auld) lang sine
by dan fogelberg

"met my old lover in the
grocery store.
the snow was falling Christmas eve.
i stole behind her in the
frozen foods
and i touched her on the sleeve.
she didn't recognize the
face at first
but then her eyes flew
open wide
she went to hug me and she
spilled her purse
and we laughed until we cried."

how is that funny?

"we took her groceries to the
checkout stand.
the food was totalled up and
bagged."

where are your groceries?
why is she the only one buying anything?
why did you go to the grocery store for nothing?
were you stalking her?
i have so many unanswered questions!

"we stood there lost in our
embarrassment
as the conversation dragged."

that sounds like the exact opposite of a good time.

"we went to have ourselves
a drink or two"

oh yeah. sure! alcohol will make your boring conversations more interesting!
and what about the groceries?!

"but couldn't find an open bar
we bought a six-pack at
the liquor store
and we drank it in her car."

1st! nowadays that is so illegal and even if it's allowed wherever you lived... it's morally wrong.
2nd! the effing frozen foods! you know... what she was picking out when you had to just throw yourself into her already complicated life! yeah... those frozen foods... there probably all mushy and gross now! I don't care how cold it is... we all know you two had the heater on in the vehicle.

"we drank a toast to
innocence."

oxymoron

"we drank a toast to now
and tried to reach beyond
the emptiness
but neither one knew how."

buy more beer?

"she said she'd married her
an architect
who kept her warm and safe
and dry."

TMI

"she would have liked to say she
loved the man
but she didn't like to lie."

dan... your ex girlfriend is problematic...

"i said the years had been a
friend to her
and that her eyes were still
as blue
but in those eyes i wasn't
sure if i saw
doubt or gratitude."

and you're still hitting on her??

"she said she saw me in the
record stores
and that i must be doing well."

okay so riddle me this... how is it that this woman failed to recognize your face when you attacked her in the store?

"i said the audience was
heavenly
but the traveling was hell."

oh wah wah wah.

in the song at this point they keep drinking to random pseudo symbolic bull crap until...

"the beer was empty and our
tongues were tired
and running out of things to say
she gave a kiss to me as i got out
and i watched her drive away."

cool! liquor her up and send her on her way! that sounds perfectly safe.
merry Christmas drunky!

"just for a moment i was
back at school
and felt that old familiar pain
and as i turned to make
my way back home
the snow turned into rain..."

that was truly a waste of time.
nothing changed.
both parties went back to the lives they were just complaining about... except now they both know information that will potentially make them despise their lives even more.




mmkay. that is all.
i'm over this stupid song.

if you're gloomy... get dressed up all fancy and drive with the music up and windows down. all your sads fly away.

Christmas shoes

hearing the very first note alone of this song makes me want to claw out my eyes. i hate it song with a passion. here's why:

i'll throw in the specific quotes to explain why this song makes me wish I were situationally deaf.

Christmas shoes.
by newsong


"standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously. pacing 'round like little boys do"

did you ever think that maybe he just had to pee? because i know boys pace around for that reason more often than any other. thats it. song's over!
nope.

"his clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe."

clothes don't make the man... or in this case... boy. it's a cover-up. don't judge this boy by his clothes. kids destroy clothes all the time.

"when it came his time to pay
i couldn't believe what i heard him say
sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
you see she's been sick for quite a while
i know these shoes would make her smile
and i want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight"

little boy,
1. don't ask people to hurry when you're the only one holding up line telling your life story. you should be counting out your money. be patient.

2. if your mom has been sick so long why haven't you saved up before now?

3. Jesus doesn't care about what kind of shoes your mom is wearing.

4. He does care if you're a liar.

"he counted pennies for what seemed like years"


again, kid... you asked HIM to hurry??
ever heard of coinstar?

"the cashier said, "son, there's not enough here"
he searched his pockets frantically
then he turned and he looked at me"

man in line,
turn around! act like u don't see him!! or pretend you forgot to grab a musical Christmas card for your aunt lucielle and step out of line. fake a call or text for goodness sake!
you must look wealthy if this kid automatically looks to you for a handout!

"he said mama made Christmas good at our house
though most years she just did without"

she can do without again!!

"tell me sir, what am i going to do,
somehow i've got to buy her these Christmas shoes"

no you don't! this is like a gateway action that leads straight to a lifetime of panhandling!

"so i laid the money down, i just had to help him out"

tooting your own horn too much, sir??

"i'll never forget the look on his face when he said
mama's gonna look so great"

shoes won't bring your mom back, kid.
no amount of therapy will bring the 4 minutes and 50 seconds of my life back everytime I hear this stupid and depressing song.

"i knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
as he thanked me and ran out"

at least he thanked you but I still think you should have followed the kid or at least interrogated him!

"I knew that God had sent that little boy
to remind me just what Christmas is all about"

here's the part that irritates me the most...
that little boy did not = Jesus.
yes, maybe this dude thought he was showing compassion by buying the kid shoes... which is nice of him whether the boy is truthful or not... but all of that generosity and love goes out the window when you write a song (and later a movie gets made) detailing the whole event.
what a nice guy. such a nice wealthy guy.
a nice wealthy guy who needs to read matthew 6:3-7. (this is your cue. go look it up)

jessica simpson's version of "baby, its cold outside" should be restricted to late night radio only. i'm tired of hearing her have an orgasm every time she opens her mouth.

santa baby!

this woman deserves nothing for being so whiney and needy.

here's her list if you didnt catch it...

a sable under the tree (I think she means a fur of some sort... PETA?! where are you when we need you?)
a '54 convertible, light blue.
yacht (then she follows that up with "not a lot." this little lady is already getting on my nerves)
deed to platinum mine (really?)
duplex
checks
ring (and she lets santa know that she doesn't want a ring as in a phone call. santa is not an idiot. he's pretty experienced.)
tree decorations from tiffany's

AND THEN she asks him to hurry!
the nerve of that jerk!

here's the kicker...

"think of all the fun i've missed,
think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed,
next year I could be just as good."

santa doesn't take bribes!
and did it really kill her to be not so promiscuous for five minutes!??

lady, using Santa is not very nice.
and sends you straight to the top of the naughty list!

gah!

i saw mommy kissing santa... barf!

okay here's the scoop:

kids sees mommy locking lips with a bearded fat man.
the youngster assumes this man is santa claus.

while he/ she admitted to being awake when their mom thought they were sound asleep, i'm not convinced this is the first time junior has secretly snuck out of bed. 
that right there makes me wonder what else they may have seen if they're thinking this whole making out with santa thing is "okay."

next, the little one sees mommy "tickle" santa.
G.R.O.S.S!
i think i may have vomited a little bit.
how did that not traumatize this child!? 
i mean... this can only mean one of two things: 
either mommy is cheating on daddy 
or
santa is a sham!
is this kid a robot or something??

they go on to say that daddy would find the whole situation to be humorous!
honestly, if that's not daddy behind the beard...
i have a feeling the next song this tot will be singing is "i saw daddy attacking santa claus."

this song bothers me every time i hear it. it's disgusting.

did they stop to think that if this rumor they are spreading were in fact true... it would mean that their mom is diddling santa for their own personal gain (gifts) thus making them mom's pimp!?

you should be ashamed of yourself, kid 

okay that's done.

therapy anyone??

frosty: exposed!

as promised, here's my beef with frosty the snowman.
i will be addressing frosty directly at times in hopes that he may get wind of my concerns.

i have watched the cartoon and listened to this song for many years and never had a problem with it.
it wasn't until last christmas that i noticed the utter annoyance that is the opening line... and that was just the beginning!

"HAPPEE BUHRT-DAY!!"

first of all frosty,
you're coming off pretty aggressive right out of the gate!
it's creepy and it disturbs me that it took me this long to hear it.
i understand, when winter rolls around, you come back to life and it's considered your "birthday" but I can assure you... come one april morning, i will not be waking up extra early just to wish myself an obscenely loud bday greeting. it's not normal.

next...
you sir, are a smoker! why else would you have a corncob pipe?
that is called paraphernalia if i've ever seen it!
also... aren't you made of snow?
doesn't fire melt snow?
are you attempting to commit suicide?
what kind of message is this sending the children?
...can't be good either way!

moving right along...

kids are laughing and playing with a man of snow and no one bothered to consult myfamilywatchdog.org?? that sounds like the recipe for a tragic story best suited for nancy grace's bombshell investigation team.
where are the parents??
these tiny people are running around with a transient stranger who is more commonly referred to in my book as a gypsy or worse... a carny.
gross.

alright snowman, so, you're traipsing around in the cold weather and it's all well and good, but the "hot" sun (as if the sun knows any other way to be) starts to rear its ugly head and you begin to melt.
what kind of activities do you have planned?
whats that, you say?
you want to RUN around while you're melting away??
oh yeah! what a terrific idea! just make sure you bring along a "wet floor" sign wherever you go. that could leave one heck of a lawsuit in your hands.
furthermore, are you even concerned with the safety of the kids? nobody likes to see kids slip and fall...
unless they're wearing heelys. then it's fair game. but i prefer to throw sticks in their paths. it's more effective than puddles of water.

amid all of the laughing, playing, running and melting, frosty decides to start carrying around a broomstick.
it may just be me but i think the only cleaning apparatus this guy needs is a mop. a broom is dangerous... especially if there's potentially a slip and fall case nearby. ouch.
if that's not enough to worry about, doesn't anyone even question the need for a broomstick at all?
he could be beating people with it and stealing wallets.
we all know he's not above breaking the law. that becomes quite evident when he only briefly pauses when a cop yells for him to stop running around like a mad man. after being reprimanded, frosty continues to wreak havoc on the town.
how is this a healthy environment for playful children?

so frosty, in closing i'd like to mention your plans of coming back next Christmas...
i just want you to know; i'm setting up a refuge in florida for families who also feel a little uneasy about your return. i hope you get the hint someday soon.

with love,
me

its the most wonderful time of the year...i think?

it’s that time of year again!

from late november through the end of the year, my sister becomes a Christmas music junkie. she keeps the music on in her car and almost every room in the house (yes, even the bathroom when she’s getting dressed in the mornings.) she also demands that these all too merry melodies are to be played throughout the entire day in the workplace. and it would happen to be just my luck… she’s my boss.

if she is out of the office and calls in, i have to make sure that those carols of peace and joy are fully audible on her end of the line. its cute. i think? i don’t dislike Christmas music. it just gets a little old after an hour or 12.

i think the reason it seems so humorous to me is this; my little holly jolly hitler is the same teenaged girl who used to roll out in her altima with blacked out windows and “phat rims” – you know… the one with the subs in the back that took up the entire trunk space and made the car rattle in tune to her slowed down tupac or outkast mixed tapes.

she has changed quite a bit since then. having a husband and two kids have made her… put the tapes away in the closet for the next split second available for isolated enjoyment.

so, why am i going on and on about this Christmas music stuff and getting sidetracked by my sister’s obsession with it? well, it just so happens that while i have been forced to listen to "warm 94.9’s" not so vast array of jingle jams, i have also been subconsciously dissecting and studying each and every song i hear. sometimes i will sing along and realize that the words coming out of my mouth either make no sense or are completely creepy! i mean sure, theres the old "grandma got run over by a reindeer" diddy, but it goes deeper than that… its like that song “rock a bye baby.” the baby falls out of a freaking tree, for heaven’s sake and we still lovingly sing this crap to our offspring! WHAT?!

this mild outrage has inspired me. so, every day (or almost… maybe) until Christmas, i will be sharing a few of the songs that really stuck out in my head. of course, i'm not going anywhere near the Christmas songs that celebrate the birth of Jesus. those aren't ridiculous. they’re truth and should be respected. but, that doesn’t mean that I cant say that I want to swallow a knife every time I hear christina aguilera butcher silent night with her over the top vocal “show-offiness.” it is just awful.

with that being said, i will now be heading off to bed. its freaking cold out and my blankies are warm. tomorrow, my project begins with none other than… “frosty the snowman.”

nighty night bloggy poo.